Syawal is here!

Alhamdulillah, Muslims have completed fasting and the end of Ramadhan. Syawal is a month of celebrating the month-long completion. Yet I felt numb. Given the choice, I would rather not celebrate. But how could that be when raya songs are playing almost everyday. In fact, tv programmes are all on raya celebration.

As my husband has earlier on reminded me, it is a year of sadness for us. This raya, my beloved mother is no longer with us. A few normal routines differed this year. We used to at least break fast once with the entire family. However, we did that with Abang Mi's family and abah at their house in Kulai about a week before raya. I would, in the previous year, take leave two days before raya to accompany mak to the market for raya preparation. This year I started my leave a day before raya and cooked together with Kak Midah.

I arrived at about 3pm at my parent's place that day. In the previous years, if I do not reach there in the morning, I can expect to receive a call from mak hastening me to quickly reach Kg Melayu. We only started cooking about 4.30pm and only by 6.20pm we realise that there's nothing to eat for break fast. This would not have happen if mak was around. We would have completed cooking a few raya dishes and eat by then. She would have been prepared.

First day of raya, we have also changed our routine. After raya prayers, we siblings would gather and visit our relatives in Sg Sayong, then to Aziz's mother in law's place, Kak Midah's in laws and Kak Midah's place. But this year, after Friday prayers we visited mak's grave. We skipped Sg Sayong, Ulu Tiram,went to Kak Midah's in law and Ungku Faridah's place. My children were puzzled as to who this Ungku Faridah is. I had to explain all the connection when we traveled the next day.

The positive part of this raya is that I see us siblings working together in trying to celebrate this raya together by cooking the dishes. We still maintain our beraya together.

It would never be the same again for I have lost my beloved mother. I have avoided sitting at the place I used to sit at the dining table for it reminded me that mak would be sitting at the end of the table observing us eat. We would say "Mak, why don't you eat with us?" She would say "Never mind, you go ahead". In a while, her appetite would arise and she would start eating. How I miss her!

On the first day of raya Uchu said to me that it was as if mak is in the room resting. Yes, I relate to that. I, myself, imagine hearing the sound of her slippers moving about the house. I close my eyes and I can visualise her!

There are countless moments that remind me of her and I must say again that I really really miss her.

Syawal is here and it is far cry from celebration!

AlFatihah buat ibundaku tercinta. Semuga rohmu sentiasa tenang serta dicucuri rahmat dan diterangi kuburmu.

Amin Ya Rabbal alamin.